How Am I Doing?

Good Question

Well, chemo has been rough. Not as rough as losing my children to a school shooter. And it’s still been rough.

We started with two chemicals, the 5FU and irinotecan. The irinotecan is what I couldn’t have last year, and instead I had oxaliplatin.

So I was tolerating the two drugs well and we added the oxaliplatin at 50%. I did okay (i.e. slept through all the nausea) with that so it was bumped up to 75%. That was my last round, which was round seven. It was difficult. I was so, very nauseated.

It has been hard to maintain my emotional buoyancy through all of it. I have gotten pretty low, and stayed low. But I have my friends to whom I can cry and who hold that space. It’s akin to walking with me in my pit of despair rather than pointing to ladders I’m not ready to climb. And through that holding of space, I get to come out on the other side, freer and fresher and with a new outlook.

Matt and I have cried together, and I, at least, found it deeply connecting and invigorating. It brought me back to the present.

One of my oldest friends (though she’s only a year older than me) came flew out for my fourth round and cared for my children and the house. I hadn’t seen her for 10 years, though it seemed like last week, and her presence was nourishing for our whole family.

I have been writing a lot on my Growing Hearths blog about parenting through NVC.

Since my last round of chemo, I had a PET and a CT scan. And from those results we have decided (and it’s booked) that I will have debulking (removing cancer) surgery and HIPEC on June 17th. That is my 40th birthday. Ain’t that cute? Not the music-and-fire-on-the-beach I had dreamed of.

I have started taking cannabinoids. That is, I have bumped up my CBD intake and am taking high doses of THC at night. This gets me very stoned and I almost got sea sick on the way to the bathroom the other night. I brought the dose down after that. Still, I am waking up a bit stoned after 11 hours of sleep. My plan is to get used to this dose, and titrate up. I hope to be taking grams of the stuff (CBGa, mostly) before long. The CBGa won’t get me high, apparently. I don’t have it yet. It’s on it’s way.

What else?

Oh yes, we’re moving. Closer to where Matt wants to work. To more acres. Fewer trees. Multiple, similar-aged children on the dead-end street. And almost opposite a brewery, where they apparently brew really good beer. I am envisioning pick up basketball and community chili nights. I am really excited about the move, though I will miss this house.

Also, my surgery is right at moving time. We will be living in this house when I go into hospital. And I will come out of hospital and recover in the new house.

I am looking forward to being taken care of by nurses.

The kiddos are starting to struggle as we get closer to moving. They don’t want to leave this house. But they are excited about getting more ducks, much to Matt’s chagrin.

Unfortunately, we lost two of our ducks to coyotes. We were very sad. So the remaining ducks (four of them) have been confined to our small orchard since then, allowed out when we can be outside supervising. They are still loud, and still opinionated, and I still love them.

The children and I have been playing seemingly endless monopoly and also enjoying Poetry Tea Time, in which we sit down with a pot of tea and I read them poetry that they enjoy.

That’s about all I can think of.

Think of me on June 17th.