I didn’t update for so long because there was nothing to update. I was NED (no evidence of disease) and happy and loving life.
Then there was a little bit of news but what does this mean??? was a question that no one really seemed to be able to answer.
Then the little bit of news got bigger and Matt and I jumped on an emotional rollercoaster to rival the Thunder Looper.
The very short version of this news is that the cancer is coming back.
One of the ways that Matt and I have been managing this news together is to have supported conversations, using a Convergent Facilitation process where we discuss what we deeply value, the strategies we can use to get there and what it’s going to look like when I get sick and am not here any more and how to make that transition as smooth and emotionally resilient as possible. As difficult as the conversations are, there is a huge level of freedom and clarity for me on the other side.
Matt and I are also seeking support separately. I want us to move through this whole thing with more togetherness and connection and understanding. It’s really hard to do that when triggered and wondering how long I am going to be alive. And just naming what we want gives us a big shift in getting there
Jenna (Naturopathic Doctor) continues to be a my biggest source of medical support and my go-to for all my medical questions. I just love her.
This morning, Evan Ong (same doc from before at Swedish) did another diagnostic laparoscopy on me. Evan told Matt that he found disease (cancer) that was “moderate and diffuse”. This ain’t good. We’re now waiting for all the doctors to have all their discussions and find out what next steps are.
I have been having moderate-to-severe intermittent tummy pain which I was thinking was related to intestinal adhesions and resulting kinking of my intestine. Evan said that the cancer he found today would also explain the pain.
The children remain hilarious and also push me past the limits of my capacity to remain patient. Which means I don't. I have a story that it’s perfectly possible to be the perfect, unruffled, present, loving, patient parent ALL THE TIME. I have yet to let go of this story. It’s far easier for me to believe that I am just not good enough. And I know what I want to work on, what I want their memories of me to be. So I have a renewed goal and direction. I want them to have the capacity to manage whatever comes their way. Present, open-hearted discussions that welcome aaaallll the feels continues to be the key, I think.
Matt and I have each had friends from middle/high school who have offered to come over and help out when I am feeling unwell. It's not just the support I’m grateful for. The beauty of the forever-friendships is something I find magical.
Zeph is still a dream, and the ducks are still opinionated. Matt’s strengthening opinion is that they shouldn’t be here, especially when he steps in duck poop.
“Why do we have ducks?”
“Because they spark joy.”
“For who?”
Meanwhile Zeph is practicing hunting duck eggs for when the ducks start laying again and officially shed their “freeloader” label.
More soon.
I, too, watch you face this all with such amazing deep honesty about what is important and what is possible. Your sharing is a huge gift, and I hope you know how much my heart extends outward to you and Matt and the children. Deep love to you all.
You are amazing Sarah!!