Hello!
It’s been a while because there really hasn’t been much of an update. Hooray for boring. I like my cancer expression like I like my presidents. Boring. I have had round 12, hurrah! and I am done for a little while at least. I am hoping to be done for a long while. It will depend on what they see when I have my hysterectomy. I have received two professional and opposing opinions:
Since the chemo has worked so well, it makes sense to keep going so that any remaining cancer doesn’t come back with resistance to the chemo we’ve been using.
Continuing with chemo when we don’t see cancer will increase the likelihood of cancer forming that is resistant to the chemo we’ve been using.
I prefer the second opinion. It means I get a longer rest. It means I get to go back to my keto diet (I’ve kind of fallen off the wagon - though still with far less carbs than before) and I get to use other means of preventing the cancer from returning - tools that nourish and help my body rather than poison it.
Also, I’m just sick of chemo. Sick of feeling sick. Sick of my tummy hurting and having to sit up in the chair during the night. Sick of being achy and blah.
Side note: the chair I am talking about has seen me through nursing two infants and now chemo. I love this chair. It needs to be reupholstered, but I love it.
I want to weed my garden in the morning. I want to lift weights when I feel like it. I want to walk up the hill from the duck house without stopping to catch my breath. I want to be able to eat yummy food and enjoy it. I want to share Nonviolent Communication with my community again, and all that I have learned in Interpersonal Neurobiology. I want to be in the sun.
All that being said, I’m doing really well. I have goals and dreams and ideas and desires. The kids are giving me strong and effective experiences in holding the whole, in taking a breath before responding, in the value of attunement and connection before anything else. What this actually looks like is hearing them through their upset, even when it’s me being screamed at. This is hard for me. Especially on chemo days. Or it looks like taking a breath when I see my seven year old 40 feet up a tree that’s leaning on another tree (nothing to catch his fall but the ground) and first connecting with him about how amazing it must be up there, the feeling of being up there, the freedom he must feel and the joy, so that he has the choice and the freedom to say, okay I’ll come down now, when I explain the danger honestly. He’s not coming down because he’s afraid of me. He’s not coming down because I have used manipulative language (I haven’t). He’s coming down because of the trust we have built. Also, isn’t that so much safer than if he’s coming down because he’s afraid of me? Sometimes the obviousness of this approach hits me like a brick. And then it’s so damn hard to put into practice. Practice is what it takes.
Every other weekend I have a lot of energy and we have put that into some family outings to some mountain tops. One was Mt. Townsend:
The other was Mt. Ellinor, with my parents!:
I had been dreaming about climbing mountains and these two trips seem to have satisfied that craving. Now I’m dreaming about camping with multiple dogs as my only company. Not sure how that’ll happen… Might have to stop scrolling through the dogs that need a home.
So, hysterectomy is scheduled for September 7th. Fingers crossed Dr. Shah cannot find any visible cancer and I can get on with my life. For a while at least.
Big love,
I truly enjoy reading your thoughts of seeing the bigger pictures in life. So thankful you are blessed with the hikes up two beautiful mountains with your family!
Your spirit is lifting and energizing! You are amazing!!